august 22, 03:27 - i luv hate la.
it's a funny point when you no longer suspect that your parents know all
the answers, and can in fact confirm that sometimes they know much less
than you, even on the really, really, super-duper important things.
perhaps this point should be called middle age?
i do not envy my father's position this week. only a masochist
would envy my mother's. why is it always so messy when love
dies?
i used to love this quote... it sounds sick and twisted, but
makes a terrible kind of sense if you are in the right relationship.
'is our love to strong to die, or are we just too weak to kill it.'
- p. hook, revenge
actually, the right relationship might not be a good term
for it either. (although, i don't necessarily mean the
wrong one either).
...maybe just the left?
to be honest, these days i think that the above is unfair. love
doesn't really die, it's just reappropriated. people take back love,
internalize it; and not many people are good at 'loving theirself,' (could
kill a kitten), and from within it changes... becomes something else,
maybe for something else..
in affairs such as these, what do i know? why have i come down
here? i too have proved that i'm horribly inept regarding
affairs of the heart.
observations:
- love is a kind of war that must be fought on your own.
do not try, nor expect to draft outside help.
- no matter how much experience you have, it's never really
applicable to the present situation.
the only thing i can offer advice on is moving forward. it's
terribly destructive to continue to stew in the past. observe
the events, note what you learned, and move on.
sometimes the pieces are just too small to pick up. those are
the ones that you have to leave behind.
- but how do you suggest this to someone who has invested the majority of
their life in those very same pieces?
folly for tragedy, this form of love...
august 19, 06:20 - oh yeah, that's why...
half-asleep, sitting on plane, trying to ignore the size 5 keds in
my lower lumbar, i grumble about lack of sleep. no sleep last
night, no sleep this morning, and no sleep for several long hours
to come.
i'm even wearing one of those stupid eye-lid cover things.
bright green, it says "sweet dreams," as if advertising how much of a
better time i'm having than anybody around me.
then again, they don't know about the size 5 keds.
august 13, 17:00 - fitshanhit
ok. it's official; today has degraded to a state so
impossibly dismal that the white airplane for the week has been
removed from the ceiling, ceremonially burnt, and replaced with
a red one.
and the damn creases are crooked, my hands are shaking so bad, and
that pisses me off too..
august 12, 2002 - 10:47 - boom, sizzle
so, this morning, one of the few particularily interesting coworkers
spins past my cube, and begins speaking of burning man in that
enthusiastic way that most 'burners' i know do, yet this morning,
there is a new madness...
burner-dude 'dude. i have 10
extra back-pack mounted flame throwers that i need to loan out for
burning man.'
jack 'dude. duuuuuuude!
flame throwers?!?'
i've always wanted to go. every year, i hear friend's stories,
the madness, the flames.. 'no way that could happen again next
year, it's going to be shit.'
yet, the next year, the stories are even more mad. --the mad
science that goes into this event is just mind boggling; i cannot
begin to comprehend their experience.
imagine the rockets i could create. things i've
dreamt of, but have never been mad enough to build.
dude. flame throwers...?
august 9, 2002 - 11:14 :
'unequivocal entanglement of cats, razors, audi's and uncertainty'
a somewhat refreshing thread of intellectual eructation developed at work
this morning, and was worthy of recount here, merely for entertainment
purposes. below is the gist, rather highly paraphrazed:
Bosslady, Jack, and the Pilgrm were walking through the park...
bosslady : 'on the way to work this morning,
the "service engine" light came up on my audi, so i stopped by the mechanic's
to have it investigated...
jack : 'i remember you saying that you would
unload that car at the first sign of trouble. i'll give you $20'
bosslady : '...well, when i got to the mechanic,
the light naturally went out, (probably due to the guru effect).
he
thought it might have been the gas cap, not on tight enough, effecting the
emission control system, which drives that light.
pilgrim :'guru effect? sounds more
like the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle.'
jack : 'HUP? interesting, but
perhaps more appropriately, Occam's Razor? quantum mechanics,
although entertaining, is not necessarily the simplest answer. ;)'
pilgrim :'Er, so what's that thing about
quantum waves collapsing when you do the observation? Like with
Schroedinger's Cat?'
jack :
'with service engine light either on or it's off,
a cat hit by an audi is certainly nothing to scoff,
but now lying there, with a dent in it's head,
we must all recall what schroedinger said.'
poetic injustice to the beauty of science: (or a good thing to
do with cats?)
The story of Schroedinger's cat (an epic poem) :
http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a1_122.html
um, yeah, back to work.
august 7, 2002 - 11:58 - now suspecting unseen forces at play
this evening, a friend from the city called me up. he had
heard that my plans for the weekend had changed, that i would be
in SF instead of PDX this weekend, probably spending days
watching scooters go by as i sat on the sidewalk...
he then offered, out of the blue, to loan me a scooter, simply so
i could join in on all the reindeer games. that's crazy,
just crazy to me. scooter people can be so damn cool.
coincidentally, i just happen to have my helmet and coat here in
town with me...
( although i had originally anticipated using them for protection in
the event i was successful at bringing a new
lady home to my garage, it looks now like the original plan has fallen
through, and a new one has arisen from it's ashes. )
perhaps it's a sign, a sign i'm just too daft to recognize... ( that
i'm having soo much trouble finding the right motorbike...? )
am i just too picky, too indecisive, or is there something more sublime
at work?
august 7, 2002 - 11:27 - que você está tentando dizer?
spent all morning on the phone with an engineer in brazil and another in
sacramento. three engineers, three languages, complete chaos.
( perhaps the only thing that casts a positive light upon my
comprehension of spoken spanish is that of portuguese. deceptively similiar, fundamentally different. )
funny.. as i found myself struggling to understand his points,
or convey even the most simple of inquiries, i couldn't help but
smile to myself: it seemed as if this situation was
intellectually preferable to most of the conversations i have on a daily basis.
you know, the ones that involve lots of people talking, and nobody
really listening? (i mean, at least we were trying to
understand what each other was saying).
august 1, 2002 - 11:39 - watch us fall
wow. august. already. this is the month where
i have 'drawn all the lines.' it's also the start of the fall.
coincidence?
...only time will tell.
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