may 30, 2002 - 08:16
morning's odwalla selection: superfood.
whilst walking past a full-length mirror in the bath earlier,
i came to the sudden, violent conclusion that tall guys (like me)
really shouldn't wear capris (like mine), because they simply look
ridiculous.
that said, you can have my capris when you pry them from my sunburnt
and dehydrated fingers, 'cos there's no other way i could make it
through summer.
(when used in conjunction with a short-sleeve button down shirt, it's
kinda like dress up time for work, but mini-comfy, . or something)
may 30, 2002 - 07:48 - a few hours after this...
bright light illuminate attic-enclave: it's thursday, and a brilliant
one at that. hop, hop out of bed, stuff belongings in bag, and
stumble down stairs and eventually to work, where i bathe and shave.
today i will fly home, early even! today
amerivespa starts!
i think i should like to have lunch on the cliffs again today too.
may 29, 2002 - 16:55 - wumple-whomp
i quite dislike cats. i always have. they are always
up to no good, no good whatsoever: lounging around the house with their
wee-beady eyes, staring at you so *evilly*..
that said, i somehow keep ending up in living situations that
involve my co-habitation with the hair-shedding, nose-itching beasts.
some of them are okay, almost likeable even; it really is
not my intention to come off as such a jerk, but... personal
experience proves (time and time again) that this characteristic
tends to be an exception to the rule.
today i'm not even at home, and just hearing
stories of what the beasts are doing in my home, to my
stuff, makes me think some terrible things, most of which could be most
'tranquily' described as the desire to have some very comfortable slippers.
( conveniently provided in the colors of the recently ex-beasts).
they ate my houseplants.
lets see: perhaps we can configure an attitude readjustment system.
my prototype unit will consist of three stations: one in the freezer,
we could put one in a running shower, and perhaps a 'stuffed' pillowcase
in the spin cycle might work for the third.
. 30 seconds at each station, and then we can rotate; (don't want
the beasts to get jealous of each other).
they puked in the living room.
alternatively, i potentially overlooked the potential enlightment inherent
in an actively flushing toilet. oh, oh oh: and surely the therapeutic
tub of WHD hot wax could be put to work for this application as well?
they peed on my down comforter.
then again, all of that sounds like a lot of work, which would require
touching the beasts myself. don't really want to flare up
allergies any more than they have already, so maybe i should just
get a dog.
they peed on my fur-lined 'mod' parka.
a really F***ING big one.
may 28, 2002 - 13:19 - fix ur 'puter
multiple vulnerabilities recently uncovered in y! messenger (read: here, and here).
there are simple instructions for performing the hack, and it's rather straightforward to do. (took me about 15 minutes to prototype one). although generally benign, it could conceivably be exploited in a very serious manner, and you (and your virus software) would never know.
there is a patch available from yahoo already: upgrade now!
(if you happen to use yahoo as much as i do, then... )
may 28, 2002 - 07:12 - she wore a red i could see
last night, i dreamt of her again.
it has been a few months since the last event, but twice now, in as
many days, her unmistakeable blonde hair and casual demeanor has
strolled through my subconcious.
...and i do so love it when she does.
yet again, i have been unable to catch her name. -it is never
necessary in these dreams, as it is clear that we already know
each other so very well.
reciprocally, yet again, i tried in a sort of vane desperation, but
her face still does not map to any that i can recall whilst awake.
in my mind, i have explored a dozen succinct scenarios, each with it's
own discrete conclusion; her countenance has played both major roles
and bit parts, but each time lights up the scene in such a manner that
daylight (reality) brings with it an almost maddening frustration.
these last two nights have been different; no longer casual, it is
clear that now she has a message.
'time is running short, you must decide soon.'
horizontal rays of violent sunlight egress tightly closed blinds,
projecting on closed eyes, piercing my dreams and dragging me away from
her. this morning, i feel a desperate, unsatiable need to
speak with her in full conciousness.
( actually, that is somewhat misleading. the clarity of these
dreams always leaves me wondering just exactly which state is
conciousness, and which is subconciousness ).
who is she? what must i decide?
one thing is certain: if i *do* ever see her on an adjacent side of
street, i'm almost certain to be hit by a bus whilst trying to persue.
may 27, 2002 - 17:23
after spending hours working on creating a 'neato' solution to a problem
that has been bothering me in my new position with the old
employer since day one, i decide now that the attempt is rubbish, and
can it all.
what a wasted day...
in order to do project (A), i require tools (A.1, A.2, A.3, A.4).
each of these tools, in turn, have their own prerequisites, (A.1a, A.1b, etc..)
and i spend an entire day just trying to prepare to start work on A.
...and now i throw it all away.
(it feels clean, but empty)
may 27, 2002 - 13:22 - engineering solutions for modern man
message engraved on brass license plate frame, seen on an immaculate
(undriven?) emerald green disco (a.k.a. landrover discovery2) this
afternoon:
'this ain't no landrover, it's a shopping cart.'
uh, yeah. i guess i couldn't have said it better myself. (?)
on the flipside, i'm glad to find that there are people out there like
this; quite simply, because there just isn't enough of me to
go around and make fun of them all myself.
may 27, 2002 - 09:02 - rewind
sometimes i'm amazed at how clear everything can be at 30,000';
swimming in sky, most everything is blue. if there are
clouds, they are below, and blanket the terrain like bedsheets
cast around an over-heated sleeper.
yet as i approach my destination, as i fall from the heavens,
that very same blanket that once seemed so pure and white swallows me,
and then everything becomes grey and wet and dark and...
..........
now, after driving empty roads to an empty building, i sit in
my home-away-from-home cube and consider the heartfelt.
i would like to have a bite to eat, but even the cooks and janitors
are smart enough not to be in the office today.
cheated? this weekend was far from satiating.
flipside: without distraction, i look forward to actually
getting a lot done today.
may 23, 2002 - 10:40 - i choose 'jamaican'
the IS department is currently deploying IP phones in my office.
these phancy things have a suite of 'user customizable' options, including
ring tones.
of course, everybody in the office is now rattling down the list of
available selections, trying to select the sequence of notes that best
defines their individual sense of self...
the resulting cacophony of noise currently echoing through cuba could
best be described as the digital recordings of a 3rd grade orchestra,
encoded in midi, and played back simultaneously at different baud rates.
now that's headache fodder.
may 21, 2002 - 19:01
at work too late again, feeling miserable again, and listening to yann
tiersen again:
(...)
don't be afraid of what they'll say
who cares what cowards think anyway
they will understand one day, one day
it's hard, hard when you're here all alone
and everyone else has gone home
harder to know right from wrong,
when all objectivity's gone
and it's gone...
...but you still carry on
cause you, you are the only one left
and you've got to clean up this mess
you know you'll end up like the rest
bitter and twisted, unless
you stay strong, and you carry on
(...)
-excerpt from Les Jours Tristes
and i remind myself that i do have motive, and although akin to
madness, it has a singularily subversive logic underneathe all of
the hyberbole.
may 21, 2002 - 07:34 - make it stop
today i feel cold and achey and sick and small and allergic and
generally just want to be shot, 'cause the C monster ain't workin'
either.
may 20, 2002 - 17:16
what did you do last weekend?
may 20, 2002 - 2:05 - civil disobedience
war against unnecessary noise and office smog has escalated this afternoon
with a recent and decisive move by the copier opposition usurps
prerogative group. (coup)
whilst interviewing a member of the resistance force on the basis of
anonymity after this afternoon's event, he was still entirely unwilling
to relinquish details, suggesting only that 'the minds of officeworkers
are malleable,' and would 'accept perceived state without inquisition.'
during the brief discussion, he made several erratic gesticulations
to a casually placed 'out of order' sign dating back to 1994.
after futher investigation it became apparent that members of this
seperatist group have begun sabotaging office equipment (removing power
supplies) to discourage the reckless abandon by which coworkers often
abuse these office staples, with seemingly no comprehension of consequence,
due to the reduced exposure of their more remote (private) office locations.
excepting an unplugged xerox machine on the third floor, equipment and
workflow disrupted by this event has not yet been identified
by local authorities, but was reassuredly numbering in the 'tens of
thousands' by our informant.
additional, (as of yet unsubstantiated), prophecies were proffered,
shortly before he dissappeared from sight, believed to have dived into
a nearby work-cube filled superflous 3-ring binders, laughing maniacally...
authorities are refusing to comment at this time, but request that if
you have any information about this action or knowledge as to possible
members of coup to contact them immediately.
may 20, 2002 - 12:30 - 'queue life'
relinquishing soul, stage 1
for this, you will need the following items:
- one cube, from which you will not leave,
- one phone, which you must answer,
- one network drop, which occasionally not work,
- tea, earl gray, 1 mug of,
- water, still, 2 bottles of,
- dr. dobbs journal, 1 stack of,
- 3 buckets, one for...
okay, i don't really need the buckets, (POS BUSY), but sometimes
i feel like i've seen this all already before, and it makes me feel
like a very sick boy.
may 16, 2002 - 18:41
so, my coworkers are all standing in line to see s.w.e.ii, and i'm
sitting in the office, clicking away. soon, i will pack
up my laptop, descend staircase to george, the borrowed rusty-truck,
and head towards the airport and a rapidly approaching weekend.
sad: miss my old roomie's college graduation: just too far.
happy: attend my first proper '02 rally: almost too far.
may 16, 2002 - 08:23
SWEET! rstevens (clango.org) has made the floppy disc tee
a
reality! i need one. desperately.
of course, i needed the red robot one too... and the clango
one, and.... *sigh*
may 16, 2002 - 07:47 - j e a l o u s y
jack: eats stale bagel, stares at cube wall.
rm : eats fresh bagels, queues in crisp morning air.
in one hour, i'll probably be dealing with a hapless customer; he'll
be watching starwars :: clonewars! --after waiting the better part
of a decade to see this visualized on the big screen, each hour after
it's release that i fail to see it is just like a slap in the face.
..........
i tried to scalp tickets to the post-midnight shows last night, (this
morning, i guess), but princess leia (the scalper) wanted what i could
not give.
may 15, 2002 - 10:17 - word of the day
as described on webster.com:
Main Entry: catastrophe theory
Function: noun
Date: 1976
: mathematical theory and conjecture that uses topology to explain events (as an earthquake or a stock market crash) characterized by major abrupt changes
as described by usgs.gov :
Aftershock Forecast : for event nc40133364
MAINSHOCK: Mon 13 May 2002 10:00:29 PM PDT MAGNITUDE 5.2
EARTHQUAKES LARGER THAN THE MAINSHOCK
Most likely, the recent mainshock will be the largest in the sequence. However, there is a small chance (APPROXIMATELY 5 TO 10 PERCENT) of an earthquake equal to or larger than this mainshock in the next 7 days.
may 15, 2002 - 07:42
|
unforeseen benefit #23 of bose nose-cancelling headset:
walking to work through deserted parks in early morning hours,
whilst listening to oldskool u2, one can actually
convince oneself that one can sing better than bono.
silence inside headphones is proof that previously
considered 'probable noise' outside headphones, (as anticipated
by ears that distrust mouth), was in fact labeled 'definable noise'
by headset, thus eliminated.
|
|
then again, maybe i do sing better than bono.
may 14, 2002 - 07:51 - the morning after
stumbling through downtown in a post-caffinated delirium, jack finds
his face pressed against the glass of local coffee proprietors,
searching for a reason to treat himself to another cup.
(just need one more fu*$ing hit)
a trustfund hippy smells opportunity and makes a move:
"hey man, spare some change?"
barely sparing the time to note the opportunist's brand-new $150
skate shoes, jack sees a window for release, and dives in, headfirst:
'screw off man! can't you see i've got
problems too;' shaking somewhat, but stepping agressively
towards the hippy, 'and i'm a little fu*$ing
wary of you wannabums always trying to hit me up for change...'
( of course, if you asked the hippy, he'd probably just claim the guy
said 'nah,' and walked away. chicken. ;)
in resignation, jack retreats silent streets in the direction of his
soulless town home; sleep beckons. he pauses only briefly outside
the red, whilst considering adressing another vice, but decides he'd rather
spend the $3 on a latte over a pint, and continues on his way.
..........
shoes off. 'why am i trying to quit caffiene
anyway?' hang up coat, unbutton shirt;
sure, it'd be good to spare myself of weekend headaches, but..'
undo belt, remove white-t. '...i could
just keep up with the latte's on the weekends, and not have to sweat it.'
stare at self in mirror; shake head at bony frame.
'maybe i should give up, giving up caffiene. embarce it.'
turn around, remove socks, jeans. 'it's
not like i have received a doctors warning, or some sort of sign from god...'
...about that time.
during seismic events like these, most people run for the doorways;
jack shrugs, and matter-o'-factly pulls his jeans back on, still standing
before the mirror.
wtf? 'does that mean i am supposed to,
or i am not supposed to?'
ARGV!
may 13, 2002 - 16:06 - when you fall, fall hard
two hours and three cups of tea later, the mind reanimates, the stomach
churns; it is with the clarity of now that jack looks down
on sticky mug, and the guilt swims in...
embrace your failure, repeat after me:
'i am weak, i am unable to impose change upon my
daily routine, i am doomed to reiterate these destructive cycles forever.'
now get up, kick your sleeping (de-caffinated) co-worker whilst laughing
maniacally, and go play in the sun. it's too nice to be inside
anyway...
may 13, 2002 - 14:16 - back to sqaure 1
embrace failure: with a dirty mug of soothing earl gray, jack's
caffiene-free streak comes to a crashing halt. --at least it wasn't
dr. p, i guess.
four days, 13 hours, 12 minutes...
cigarettes were easy; cold turkey, literally overnight. caffiene,
however, is proving to be a bit more complicated habit to kick.
do you think there are self-help groups for this sort of thing?
may 13, 2002 - 09:02
last night, whilst staring at light racing across white ceiling in time
with cars driving by, my thoughts swam with everything and anything
unrelated to sleeping.
today, i fight the urge to crawl under my desk, as i can't think of
anything but...
damn this new 'no-caffiene' habit.
may 9, 2002 - 16:36 - withhdrawwals
noot much faarther now, i'vea lmost made it... ann entire work
dday without cafffiene; i can hear teh doctoor, taunting mee,
calling from thhe other room.
hooow does he makei t throughh my headpones?
may 9, 2002 - 12:59 - a few hours after this
after recent revelations regarding the plan, no less than three
discrete film-related events have happened today. cruel irony,
or happenstance coincidence?
of note, a link to a project shared by my friend aa, containing the
following gem of a definition:
i made a super shortie with this criteria:
"needs to be finished by the time I drink this tasty glass of wine"
this is precisely the type of project that i've been trying to force
myself to do (films), jf to do (music), she to do (books); a simple
mechanism to reduce the fear of 'getting back in the saddle,'
...and the desire to always make it 10x's more complicated than it
really hould be.
perhaps my attempts have failed thus far merely for lack of
clever definition?
may 9, 2002 - 10:57
entranced by blue sliver, jack walks over to other side of building
to visit co-worker, and admire his cube-window, facing building-window,
which provides some manner of natural light, and a view other than cubewall
fabric.
it's one of those fairytale setting, postcard perfect SC days outside,
and he's inside, deep inside, with nothing for company but
the copier machines, and some dry-erase markers.
for longer than a moment, he contemplates pulling the fire alarm, just to
/spill like marbles/ with confused co-workers out of the building and deep
into the street, under the morning sun.
surely it would buy at least 30 minutes of freedom. surely ocean
breezes would make the skin sing...
jack walks back to his cube, far from the windows, far from the daylight,
far from the breeze, and wonders if he can just take over the nice
window-window cube instead.
...that *is* a really nice cube. (he knows, because he built it, and
used to live in it, before they ...) now a squatter sits there,
hides from the light, and keeps the windows closed.
breathing deeply, jack stares at red handle on wall, and thinks about
shiny red trucks and men in yellow suits.
may 9, 2002 - 07:48
last night, while sauntering home from the glitzy neon of the theatre
through fog-formed halos surrounding streetlights, a moment of clarity:
it was happening again, right before my very eyes, and i didn't even
notice the signs. intoxicated, again, by insidisously sweet bi-weekly
injections of my pocket book, i was becoming consumed with complacency.
again.
i kept 'super-sizing' my modest measures, until they had taken life and
meaning of their own. (i don't need a ducati, i need a motorcycle.
in fact, i don't really need a motorcycle, i simply need
temporary, cheap transportation.)
a month ago, i flinched at $2k. yesterday, i was seriously
payments on a sum three times that. am i blind?
i swore it wouldn't happen; in retrospect, i'm amazed that it happened so
fast. i swore i would stick to the plan, that it was the
reason for every decision i would make.
last night, i actually had to go digging through my wallet to find
the paper; soft, like fabric with handwritten notes, carefully inscribing
the intracicies of the plan, just to remind myself.
how could i possibly stray so far from my goals?
this job, this cube, it is like a drug. i must learn to resist.
i must take my pill, but not swallow; instead, hide it.
save it. dedicate it to the plan.
*phew* --that was close; i am thankful i noticed before it was too late.
may 8, 2002 - 07:28
superfood: bottle of green (i-dunno-what) in hand, and kix in my belly,
i break into my morning routine. a few moments, put aside every
morning to read the words of others, to set the tone for the day.
last night i dreamt of bikes again, but this time it was different.
this time they were new, italian, brightly colored and really fast.
this time it appeals to me in so many different ways.
suddenly, i realize that the pressured-hunt for transportation that has
been stressing me out need not be so; i remind myself how much i do love
the hunt, the desire for the next affair, the quandry of what it
might be like, 2, 6, or 12 months down the line.
old bmw? (elegant, sophisticated) new ducati? (sexy,
fast) i love them both, but must decide on one. this
should be fun.
this is springtime; this is falling in love with moving forward.
i know it's happening to other's too: the pig's got a new plan,
(which works better than the old one ever did), i can see jf falling
in love with the music again, and even bl is talking art-wank about film.
...this is springtime; this is falling in love.
may 7, 2002 - 18:06 - thread envy
i want a cool shirt like this guy.
(i think it would compliment the holster quite nicely.)
may 7, 2002 - 07:47
how exactly, are you supposed to respond, when your 'doctor' says something
like the following to you, with almost grave seriousness?
'your protuberances are too protuberant'
i would have liked to have laughed, but yesterday, i only said 'ouch',
'cos she swiftly followed her statement with the cold, piercing steel of
another anti-inflammotory injection, right in that soft, tender groove of
the elbow.
( that shot always hurts worse the second day )
may 6, 2002 - 16:34 - the state that i am in
i previously would have thought it an impossible task to sleepwalk 700
mi, but could offer little other explanation for my sudden 'awakening'
in the backseat of a speeding cab this morning.
'next exit, please.'
i am certain that i fell asleep in a different state than the one i am
now in.
may 2, 2002 - 11:29
headset falls from head to neck, connection severed, return to pdx successfully
delayed. since the ticket this week was already hosed (upgraded to
full price), it costs nothing for modifications to the itenary.
jack sees a crack in the window, kicks through it: tomorrow a.m., i will
be meeting another potential lady, a 76 r90/6. let's see how she
compares to the 78 r100/7 from last night.
i almost just want this to be over.
may 2, 2002 - 07:23
i dreamt about her hands last night.
may 1, 2002 - 17:08
sam brown (always) says it best:
'this hole i've dug is mine forever'
may 1, 2002 - 09:27 - another happy ending
saw another movie at the newly-renovated del mar theater last night.
(i am so pleased that somebody had the $$ / passion to complete
that project, the old theater really is a treasure, and the new neon
marque with dancing colors that push back the night makes me swoon in
it's glow)
anyway... the salton sea: another one of those
'ok' movies that would've been a hundred times better if it lacked
some of it's copious overproduction, and of course, the last five
minutes.
(i can honestly say that 1 out of every 3 movies i see would be
infinitely more stimulating if they just cut the last 5 minutes out.
they always feel tacked-on, and quite simply, cheesy.
-think about it)
why the constant need to explain everything? (elementary,
over-the-top narration) why the desire to resolve every issue?
life isn't always resolved, and the ending isn't always happy.
it just persists.
may 1, 2002 - 07:06 - my dreams or hers?
the pig would be pleased. last night's dreams of vintage
bmw motorbikes were tainted by the high-key voice of xavier caviar,
constantly insisting i hear his recount of the recent adventures of his
pet fish.
i say "sigh."
jf says, "hold your arms above your head, and make an
'o'. now spell i-m-a-g-e and say 'lightbulb.'"
(or something like that...)
( more )
|
