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november 13, 2001 - 18:45

potential destination description, provided by online air fare broker:

The Czech capital is at its most mysterious in the winter. Deserted cobbled alleyways and forgotten passageways entice the traveller from the usual routes. Dozens of hidden bars serve glasses of steaming grog or mugs of mulled wine. There are other winter comforts too; some trams boast under seat heating, cafes and pastry shops offer Videnská Kava, coffee supporting towers of whipped cream and many squares are filled with Christmas markets selling everything from carp to wooden toys.

trams with under seat heating?  carp?  jack thinks to self, "well, it sure sounds better than sitting around the house...", shrugs, then clicks blue button labeled 'buy airfare.'

later in the afternoon, he realizes such a trip might require _some_ planning, and is seized with a fruitless moment of responsibility; all attempts to explain how difficult it is to find a decent pair of wool pants in this town would end in similiar failure.  sheeesh...

sidenote : any robotech fans out there catch the fact that the leader of the robotech master's bioroid invasion army is, himself, a red robot?

november 13, 2001 - 11:04

key accomplishments, day 1 :

• awake @ 8, out of bed by 10:30 am (opened blinds, spent time enjoying passing storm paint reality on window pane)
• 3 sessions, frozen peas (wrist hurt disease therapy)
• 3 sessions, hot shower (wrist hurt disease therapy)
• 6 sequential episodes, (37 - 42), of robotech
• dream, plan, then implementation of tuna-salad sandwich for lunch
• laundry moved to car (project placed on hold due to resource constraints)

key accomplishments, day 2, (thus far) :

• out of bed by 7:30 am (hot water needed on wrists)
• 1 session, frozen peas (whd therapy)
• 6 sequential episodes, (43 - 48), of robotech
• met fedex woman for airline ticket handoff.

so much i'd like to say here, but my wrists are really making me pay for the last week of torture, yee-ikes!!  i guess there's no time anyway, i have gone and spontaneously purchased airfare to flee the country; now i've got just over 24 hours to pack.

ack!

november 9, 2001 - 18:07  (t - 0)  ( blastoff? )

my friend sabs once said : "ladies and gentlemen, we are floating in space."

hmmmmm....

november 9, 2001 - 6:11  (t - 0) IgNiTiOn!

painful and useless appendages to the upper torso (once considered arms) pull me from sleep, then isolate me in a room still free from the traces of sun.  it's 4:30 am.

i stare at the ceiling for about 1/2 an hour, but simply can not fall back to sleep; there are simply far too many things to be thinking about.  recognizing the only salvation was the heat of the morning shower, i begrudgingly crawl out of bed, in full recognition that i have little to do afterwards besides go back to work...

this is it.  the end.  crazy.  i thought about it a lot, but never thought it would be like this...

so, geek boy turns back to the project, falls into the same routine; one final dance, more for nostalgia than anything else.

nostalgia?   for a job?  no, it's not so much about the job, it's about the era.  this one is over, and it's time to move on.

november 8, 2001 - 17:23  (t - 1)

a final sunset from this cube :: an engineer desperately tries to concentrate, working on the final document for this final project, for this un-employer-to-be...

it is not difficult to draw comparisons to a student, desperately working to complete a final paper for the year; originally an honest endeavor, the arduous task rapidly breaks down to little more than an obstacle between the 'sleep deprivation of now' and a infinitely boundless summer.

november 8, 2001 - 9:51  (t - 1)

while collecting hot water for a powdery bowl of oatmeal, i noticed that the director of enterprise sales now has a new herman miller chair.

mind reeling with the ramifications of seeing such an exotic item, so out of it's element, i walked directly to my manager's office :

"blosslady, i just noticed that dw has a new herman miller chair.  i absolutely refuse to work here another day unless i have one for my own, and i am sincerely adamant about this."

november 8, 2001 - 7:31  (t - 1)

last night i met, then promptly fell in love with, a previously unknown younger sister of julie delpy...

after only 15 minutes in attendence of friend's opening party, i was bored and ready to go home; i'm not very good at fraternizing with complete strangers, and this space was full of them.

at the time, i was standing on a balcony, in the far corner to the left, looking down at the street below.  (wondering what my body would sound like ...).

i was captivated by the way a palm tree was projecting its shadowy fingers onto the shimmery asphalt surface, imperceptible marrionette strings racing back to branches, as if tracing eclipse of the streetlight above; what am i doing here?

volition confirmed, i took the three long gulps required to properly extinguish lukewarm lemon drop in my left hand, and turned for the door; it was at that moment that i saw her, in the corner just opposite me...

perhaps it was the still-bright sting of hard acohol in my throat that generated the bravado required to breach a silence as honored as this; perhaps i just couldn't help myself...

i swore that i had known her before, absolutely convinced that our lives had crossed paths at some point in the past.  (not willing to admit that i would remember a countenance like hers, even from a car, passing in traffic, for several years after the occurance.)

she wasn't really the younger sister of j.delpy, just remarkably similiar in both presentation and speech; long whisps of blond hair, swoop from forehead, along cheek, and into the corner of her undressed mouth.  we spoke all night.

eventually leaving the engagement, we walked on the streets below, those that shimmered with the glass fragments of a thousand broken windows; it was like walking in heaven.

streetlight turns yellow : it was she who kisses me, not the other way around.

it was sudden and unsolicited, but after the initial shock, i did not fight, with time falling deeper into the role.  instances stretch to milliseconds, milliseconds eventually summing up the moment.

stage thusly set, kf enters, from stage left; streetlight turns red.

seperated by glass, i could not hear what she said, but it was obvious she was displeased.  only in retrospect, i realize that it was the violence of her hands on the fragile plane between parties that caused us to stop, then turn.

statement made, she runs.  i brush a single errant strand of hair behind the ear of the relative stranger before me, stammer an apology, quickly followed by a "thank you," then spin on my heel to run after her.

i woke up shortly thereafter, it was 5:30 am.

...........

it is delightful how the morning fog of late summer in sc always melts into a winter of cold, crisp, and crystal clear mornings.  this morning, the sunrise had a clarity and depth previously unprecedented in my experience hitherto.

pregnant orange sun on sea, refracts and illuminates the sky.  i can see past monterey this morning.

dramarama on the radio, i cannot help but to drive to work the long way.

(so very close to the end now)

november 7, 2001 - 16:16  (t - 2)

miserability :

• standing in a store, for hours, trying to decide which pair of headphones will be the most comfortable, when worn for long periods of time.
• paying good $$$ for those headphones.
• sitting at work, desperate to get things done, relying upon those headphones to keep the distractions out and productive thoughts in.
• noticing, that after 5 hours, ears are sore, regardless of previously perceived weight or comfort of said headphones.
• grimacing, after 7 hours, due to impossible weight on delicate ears, by cruel medieval head-clamp torture device.
• convinced, after 9 hours, that ears are irrepairably damaged, with bruises bluer than the sea.
• paralyzed to do anything about it, as you can't fathom surviving without their protection.
• deciding that you require a nicer, ( more expensive ), more comfortable pair than you currently own.
• standing in a store, for hours, ...

november 7, 2001 - 7:07  (t - 2)  (dragonspeak)

here we go again.

hands operating at about 30% at start of day today; masochistic geek can only hope that they can just hold out till friday...

then, rest.

november 6, 2001 - 18:49  (t - 3)  (dragonspeak)

6:50 pm - another 12+ hour day?  jack demonstrates that only a true idiot is unable to learn from his mistakes...  why do i do this?

i sure hope these computers know something i don't know.

speaking of sam brown, you may have noticed that bb.com has now succumbed to red-robot-world-domination.  no, i don't have anything to do with him or his (brilliant) site, but figured i spend so much time there (or linking to it), that there really is no point in denying my defeat.

okay, i guess that's enough groveling...
( back to work, pitiful hu-man! )

november 6, 2001 - 13:34  (t - 3)

so, in an effort to de-stress from another hi pressure, last-minute server config incident, (and currently waiting for another customer to call me back), i stumbled upon this article on ducati.com.

although on the surface, this piece appears to pertain only to racing superbikes, i believe an interesting sub-plot actually lies between the lines.

the premise of the article is the consideration of two different (highly contrasting) theologies centered around winning races, roughly defined within the following quotes:

• "... if any new rider near the front of the pack crashes with monotonous regularity, it shouldnt take einstein to realize that as soon as he stops crashing he'll be a winner ...".
  
  
• "to finish first, you must first finish."

it quickly becomes apparent that the opinion of the author is heavily biased towards the first of the options...  suggesting, in essence, that a person is more likely to work at the limit of his capabilities if he learns to go too far, and then scales it back.

(instead of incrementally approaching it from the side of safety).

it must be noted that this comes from the website of a bike manufacturer, who, i'm sure would very much enjoy (and benefit) if it had customers in the habit of 'disposing' their products, thus requiring new ones.  (as opposed to the assumed preference of an insurance company?).

that said, i must agree, there is a strong argument to be made for the benefits of the willingness to 'risk everything,' while striving for a goal.

...........

i am afraid that i'm far too reserved in the pursuit of my dreams; always sitting (erroring?) on the side of caution.  i wonder if it is actually possible to merely will yourself onto the other side?

... and would i want to?

november 6, 2001 - 7:17  (t - 3)

last night i dreamt that i couldn't find anything to eat besides ambrosia salad.  it was all there was in the fridge, the cabinets, the chinese food down the street and even in the cafeteria at work.  nothing but big bowls of festively colored ambrosia salad...

what the hell is that supposed to mean, anyway?

november 5, 2001 - 19:24  (t - 4)

boy stares at spyphone, sees time; it is now after seven pm.  the previously unassuming day has stretched into a 13 hour absence of breath.

i like to consider myself a moderately intelligent individual:  that said, why is it then that i'm putting in a 13 hour day for a company that has seen fit to unemploy me?

(that, and, on the same day that a hand specialist officially forces me onto a modified (~4 hrs/day) work schedule?)

regrettably, i honestly am at a loss for a valid explanation.

my desire to finish this project before i'm escorted to the door ::  is it an un-founded sense of obligation or the tell-tale sign of an obssesive compulsive that can't stand to leave something undone?

november 5, 2001 - 17:56  (t - 4)

around 5:10 pm, i have to ask security for access to one of the executive briefing rooms where we will be conducting training for a customer later in the week.

this evening, the room has been uncharacteristically locked up, as there is currently a rather high volume of relatively expensive computer equipment in there.

normally, there wouldn't be anything extraordinary about this occurance.

however, at around 5:55 pm, i was eyed suspiciously by the same security guard as i'm assisting my friend bg transport his belongings from his ex-cube to his car.  (imagine two guys, moving a cart full of unmarked boxes through a darkened lobby to a non-descript car at the corner of the parking lot).

i can only pray that nothing happens in that room this evening...

it is not difficult to imagine the ease by which they might pin both motive (disgruntled employee, recently made redundant), and fact (means and method -- both highly circumstancial, but admittedly incriminating) upon me.

why would i even imagine a disturbing scenario like this?  if you have ever experienced a monday like the one i have had today, then you'd understand that just about anything miserable, (no matter how outlandish), would be possible.

november 5, 2001 - 15:17

if i could sum up all the miserable mondays incurred whilst in the employ of the company, all the retarded little nuances and frustrations over the period of 2+ years, they might add up to this one.

best to go out with a 'bang,' eh?

32,000' level :: dismal hand diagnostics from specialist, server crashes, missed meetings, server crashes, communication breakdown with clients, server crashes, and now, guys in plastic suits looking for anthrax won't let me get to the machine room?

... i quit!

november 5, 2001 - 7:15 (t - 4)

it's monday.  the last monday.  feelings concerning the relative ratio of benefits to drawbacks of my pending 'redundancy' seem to oscillate with the tide, spilling into each other, then shattering on the cliffs.

on the cliffs, it is terribly foggy this morning.   i couldn't even see the surface.

november 2, 2001 - 15:36 (t - 7)

volkswagen has been making amazing commercials for years...  this relatively recent one, 'big day,' makes my skin tingle every time i see it, it's that good.

so, the big question...  her 'decision' : does she continue with the ceremony, on cruise control, or does she take this sudden veering turn down an uncharted road?

photographic style and execution aside, (perfection in and of itself), it is that look, her look, that makes this commercial so successful.

amazing :: such a simplistic inhalation, the widening of the eyes, gentle clearing of the throat; it is obvious that she is working through every possible implication of the decision she's been forced to make.  a scene setup so perfectly, it makes my tummy tingle.

you know this jetta driving fellow isn't some stranger, that he definately means something...

...but how much?  (and is it because of the car?)

november 2, 2001 - 10:27 (t - 7)

according to my adopted east-coast time schedule, (and stomach), i should be eating lunch right now.  as before, the cafeteria has not yet opened, and i do not have the time to go off campus.  (miserable)

a maginificent 17 minute rendition of new order's elegia is presently reproduced by computer speakers of moderate quality; i cannot help but notice how the now-bare walls of my cube have changed the acoustics of this space.

this track could be considered exit music for life.

it's only a little bit farther now...

november 1, 2001 - 10:30 (t - 8)

11/1/01 : dia de los muertos, day of the dead.

jack accidentally knocks a glass of hot water onto his keyboard, he quickly remembers to dedicate it to his now-expired uk co-worker friends (10/31) :

sighs, under breath, "one for 'da homies..."

surprisingly, the keyboard survives incident absolutely unscathed;  anomoly attributed to proper appeasement of recently deceased.

november 1, 2001 - 6:32  (t - 8)

funny; it should really hurt to be up this early in the morning, this morning.  it doesn't.  (well, not any more).

amazing how re-charging seeing a sunrise can be...

( check out october here )