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my doctor calls me this afternoon, and rather matter-of-factly states, "did you know that you had mono? while running these other tests, it became apparent that you have the signatures of the mono virus in your blood."

"um..."

"not only that, it appears that you have had this bout for over a year, and have had several before... did you know that you had mono before?"

"um, no..."

"actually, this is a rather remarkable case... typically people only have the virus for a few months; i've never seen bloodwork like this..."

"um, is it contagious? what should i do about it?"

"well, you were probably contagious about a year ago, but not any longer... we can't really do much for you, as it's a virus that must run it's course. However, as a complication on top of your other issues, you will probably notice that the fatigue and succeptability to other bugs (i.e. colds), will continue to grow until everything falls back into remission."

"um, okay. thanks.

click...

so, after a week of 12+ hour days, the product has begun it's final build, and a strange calm has fallen over the office. i am left with a sense of accomplishment that my body instinctively rejects like a transplanted organ.

actually, now that i think about it, i don't think i've seen anybody in the office yet; i wonder where they all are... probably outside, as it's a brilliant day... that's where i'd be, were i intelligent. i suppose i just missed the memo.

today i was super-duper teeny bopper and swung by the comic book store for the signing going on there... chynna, the girl who draws blue monday, was as cool as her comic... everyone should check it out, it has great band references, scooters, cute girls, cute boys, and lovely brainless drama. brilliant!

this evening, i was supposed to get all dressed up (like old times; with tie and such) as a bunch of scooter kids and i were to see the specials.. once there though, i found myself wearing clothes i haven't warn in years, acting in ways i haven't acted in years, and i could hardly think of anything nicer than returning to my quiet apartment; i must be getting old.

I liked this quote, from 'Letters to a Young Poet,' by Rainer Maria Rilke:

Therefore, dear sir, love your solitude and bear with sweet-sounding lamentation the suffering it causes you. For those who are near you are far, you say, and that shows it is beginning to grow wide about you. And when what is near you is far, then your distance is already among the stars and very large; rejoice in your growth, in which you naturally can take no one with you, and be kind to those who remain behind, and be sure and calm before them and do not torment them with your doubts and do not frighten then with your confidence or joy, which they could not understand.

they collected another 11 vials of sticky red fluid from a pin prick in my arm this morning... i'm beginning to suspect malicious intent; surely by now they may have successfully cloned an entire army with the bioinformation contained therein?

next, they ask to insert me into a giant microwave and take pictures of my innermost thoughts? it's a conspiracy i tell you, a conspiracy!

mmm.. yummy.. looks like handspring is taking cues from apple's recent facelift of the powebook.

falling behind the times, *again*.

so, i'm driving my scooter to work this morning, and as i'm crusing down mission street (the main drag in town), this woman in a bmw 5 series falls out of her lane and into my own. i look over to ascertain the cause of this rather immediate threat, and realize she's working harder at applying mascara than she is at driving...

i wait for her to notice she's swerving, (as most stupid people like this eventually do) but begin to grow unnerved as i'm pressed closer and closer to the center divider...

"why hello woman, didn't you notice i was here already," my hand says to her window. (she was literally so close, i could put my hand on her car). this sudden stimulus, external to her car's environment (yet inches from her head) startled her so bad that she stuck herself in the eye with her own mascara.

it looked pretty painful, but i didn't get a chance to ask, as she swerved pretty suddenly in the other direction...

an answer to march 2's question:

From lambrettagrrl@yahoo.com Tue Mar 13 15:39:21 2001
To: ennui@affe.org

the body can regenerate about likt an 8th (or something very similar to that) of your rbc count in a day. that's why when you donate blood you need to take it easy. your hematocrit is just down.... blood volume almost automatically goes up somewhat, but not back to full volume, because that would just cause the hematocrit to get lower. (hematocrit, as you probably know, is ratio of rbc's to blood volume).

i've been sad lately, but my friend bean sent me a cute card today. it made me smile. bean is neat.

as i sat in a deceptively sterile and startlingly frigid doctor's office this morning, i watched with detached bemusement as the nurse removed test tube after test tube of red liquid from my body.

around rubber capped vial #20, i was fascinated that although my arm was decidedly tingly, it seemed as if the flow rate of life energy from a pinhole in my body had not abated in the slightest.

"so, err, how long will the human body sit here and bleed like this? will it evenutally try to clot the needle, or will the vein just collapse?"

"well..," she said, "at this rate, i could probably pull blood from your arm all day before your vein collapsed."

questions for the morning:

1. how fast does the human body 'make' blood? does it make it fast enough to replinish a slowly tapped supply? is it feasabile to actually 'bleed' somebody for an entire day without permanent detrimental effects?

2. what manner of parrallels to this model can i find in my current life? as I sit here, practically third person and watch my life be tapped, distanced, i wonder what other things are currently 'bleeding' me?